I Wish I Could Just Say Goodbye

Dark, Poetry  ||   January 6, 2017   ||   0 comments
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Every day has become a struggle.
The thought of death has just taken over.
To end it all and walk away.
I tried to do it the other day.

We fought again and it was too much.
The idea of being homeless,
The sight of his cheating,
His mother’s everlasting support of it,
The shape of the house and I can’t get no help,
The betrayal of my mother still stings every day,
The constant criticism of everyone around me,
Not knowing what’ll happen to my kitties,
Dealing with my mum’s scepticism like she thinks I’m stealing from her.
It was all just too much.
Just so overwhelming.
It’s been taken over my every thought.

He left the room to take a call and I just decided to end it all.
I’d been planning it for months.
Going over my options.
How to do it?
What to take?
How to cut?
Could I make it deep enough?
What mix of things could take this pain away?

At that moment it didn’t matter anymore.
He wasn’t there to stop me.
Even with everyone talking to me.
All the support I had around me.
I didn’t care anymore.
I couldn’t take it anymore.

I grabbed the first bottle and just took them all.
I don’t even know what they were.
I didn’t even care.
I swallowed them all.
Emptied the bottle like a thing of candy.
It wasn’t enough I grabbed another bottle.
I took the pills, one after another.
He came back and I moved the box of meds away.
I pretended I hadn’t taken anything.

Soon I could feel it hit.
I was starting to black out.
Things were fading in and out.
It didn’t hurt.
Nothing hurt.
The pain was all gone.
I started my goodbye letter.
I don’t even know if I finished it.

I remember vaguely struggling with my phone.
Things were so dark.
In and out I went but it was alright.
I could hear someone say to stop struggling.
I don’t even know if I was.
It was numb.
I felt nothing.
I thought nothing.
My mind was so blank and quiet.
I was finally at peace without stress or a care.
I couldn’t feel all the horrors anymore.
When I closed my eyes it was just darkness.

But the hours passed and soon I awoke.
I’d been in a coma.
They didn’t know if I’d wake up,
But I did.
I felt out of it and a nurse spoke to me,
But I don’t remember what she said.
I faded back out and drifted off again.

Finally I woke and I was aware.
I looked around kind of confused.
How did I get here?
Why was I alive?
I didn’t even know how long it’d been.
The thought didn’t cross my mind.

I look back now,
I’m home again,
We’re not fighting now.
I’m pretending to be okay,
But I’m still frightened.
I still feel overwhelmed.
The idea of death still take over my every thought.

It was so peaceful.
It felt so nice.
I had silence.
It was just like sleeping.
I had no worries or fears.
I want that back again.

Everyone wishes I had come to them but it’s just not that easy.
What can I say?
What can they do?
They can’t just fix these problems.
They can’t do anything at all.
I have little to say.
I’m just too far gone.
The depression has taken over too much.

Having felt that overdose once was wonderful.
I want to feel it again.
I want to exist in that world forever.
It was such a lifesaver.

I love my friends.
I love my family.
I love my kitties.
I have so many who love and care about and need me,
But it’s not enough.
Nothing is enough.
I’m sick of all the struggles.
It’s too hard.
It’s so heavy.
I feel like I’m being crushed.
I just wanna let it all go.

To fade into the blackness where there is no pain.
To want to disappear and leave it all behind.
It feels like I can’t admit to all this.
Like it’s a crime to feel like this.
To want this.

Most people who meet death become afraid.
They say they don’t want to do it again.
But I welcome it.
It was effortless, painless, emotionless.
I loved it.
I just want to sleep it all away.

It’s a struggle everyday,
Just to survive.
And every day that I live is a day that I’m strong.
It’s a day that I took a chance to keep going.
It’s a day I gave another chance.
But I don’t know how long I can last.
I crave that feeling again.

I guess I need help but when you feel this hopeless,
What help can be given?
They say that suicide is a permanent choice to a temporary problem,
But how long is temporary?
For over twenty years I’ve dealt with problems.
But in that moment I had peace.
For once I had peace and it felt so wonderful.
When does temporary end?
So many years go by and they say it’ll end.
They just talk of patience and time but it’s been so long.
I want to let go.
I want to move on.
I want all of this to be over.
And that’s the truth.

Maybe it’s wrong to you.
Maybe you can relate.
Perhaps you’ll just argue.
But these are my feelings.
I can’t help the way I feel.
Talk about medicine all you want,
I’m already on it.
There’s a million options but I’m tired of them.
I don’t wanna cry every day.
I don’t wanna be miserable anymore.

I don’t care who I leave behind.
They’ll all move on.
I don’t have any true friends.
I haven’t affected anyone’s life.
My only family is my mum and she’s older anyway.
Everyone else will forget me soon enough.
I’ll just be another Facebook RIP post.
But even that’ll pass before long.
It won’t take long before I cease to exist.
I’ll barely even be a memory.

I wish I could just say goodbye…

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