Maybe One Day

Drama, Original Fiction, Romance, Tragedy  ||   July 3, 2015   ||   0 comments
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…And she told me so softly that she still loved me. The words were so gentle and just above a whisper. I would have missed them if there hadn’t been a moment of silence. I was sure that if I had missed them, she never would have said them again.

I turned around to look at her, so stunned and unsure of how to respond. I could feel my mouth open as I tried to speak, but I couldn’t find the words to say. My mind was still trying to desperately wrap itself around what she had just said. I closed my mouth again and looked down and away and then back to her. I couldn’t keep my gaze away from her for long.

“You… What?” I finally managed to speak but I knew that was terrible. What kind of response was that? I could have kicked myself but she didn’t give me the chance as she spoke almost right away.

“Nothing,” she said clearly and went to walk past me to catch up with our friends who had long since left us behind.

I made a quick grab for her arm, taking hold of her a little harder then I had intended. “Wait!” I demanded, “It wasn’t nothing!” I exclaimed. She was shutting down on me and I knew it. I knew her well enough. She could be so stubborn at times, like now.

She looked at my hold on her wrist and then back up at me. “I didn’t say anything.” she lied and tried to pull herself out of my grasp. “Now let go.” she demanded, looking away. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, meet my gaze.

“No.” I responded a little more forcefully than I had intended. She knew how I was though. I wasn’t good with feelings and emotions and… all this.

“No!” she suddenly yelled and struggled desperately against my grasp. She finally managed to wiggle free from my hold and turned in a rush. She was upset.

She just didn’t want to tell me the truth and I guess I could understand why. She had told me before that she loved me but it was so long ago. I gave her every reason to run from me right now. After all, last time she had told me she loved me, instead of loving her back like I should have, I chose to leave her and go with someone else. I was still with that person too. I could just imagine how she felt right now. I guess I couldn’t really expect anything less but still, I couldn’t let her go again.

“Why did you say that?!” I snapped back at her before she could rush off. “I’m with somebody else! I abandoned you!” I cruelly reminded. I didn’t understand why she still loved me. After everything I had done to her, what else was there to possibly love?

She looked back at me with tears in her eyes. She looked so hopeless right now. “How could I not…?” she asked softly in that weak voice that I almost couldn’t hear. That look in her eyes like she was crushed and I knew I had hurt her again. I had brought back all those memories that I had a feeling she had wanted to forget. I could be so cruel like that.

“You shouldn’t…” I finally spoke back and for the first time, I managed to look away from her. I was ashamed of myself, of my actions. For the first time in my life, I had regretted what I’d done. I hated myself for it and for what I did to her, for what I was doing to her now.

She looked away again. “Don’t I know it…” she replied back with a husky scoff. The tears that had built up in her eyes were spilling over now. Her voice trembled terribly. This look she had killed me. This guilt was the exact reason I had run away the first time around. She made me feel things that I hated. I was scared. I still wouldn’t tell her or anyone else this, but I could admit it to myself now, if no one else.

She went to walk off and I had to stop her again. I had to torture her again and I hated myself for that too. “Why? …Why do you still love me?” I asked. I had to know. I needed an answer.

“What difference does it make?” she asked quietly, her back to me. Many people were walking by looked at us. We were making a scene but I didn’t care. I knew I looked like the bad guy and I didn’t care about that either. All I cared about in this moment was her and this.

“Because I do. I don’t know why, Joseph! I just do!” she snapped back at me, fists clenched at her sides. “You were everything to me…” she added, wrapping her arms around herself as she cried. She sounded so broken and I knew what I had done.

Her true feelings were spilling out now just like her tears that rolled down her red cheeks. “You changed my whole world. I know I fucked up but you… My god, you’re such an idiot!” she yelled at me, hands clenching her arms. I frowned and walked up behind her. I didn’t know how to comfort her, but I hated to see her like this too.

“Yeah…” was all I could manage to say.

“You should have been there! We could have -!” she cut herself off and turned suddenly around to look at me. Her eyes were red and puffy, though it wasn’t too bad yet. Tears were still making paths down her red cheeks. She still looked miserable but there was something else. There was a fire in her eyes that I couldn’t explain. It didn’t fit.

“But it was better that we didn’t…” she finally spoke again after what felt like forever. “You made your choices and I made mine.” she looked away from a moment, lips pressed firmly together. “I learned to stand on my own two feet… but I only learned how to do that because you left. I had to pick myself up. I couldn’t just go back to where I was or who I was because I wasn’t the same anymore.” she explained. The way she said it was like she was going over this all in her head like a list almost. How many times had she thought about this? How many hours or days or weeks or even months had she been washed over and drowned in these thoughts before she came to this conclusion?

The words hit me like a hard door being slammed in my face. It was like a bullet to the heart and the wound still stung painfully. I couldn’t describe the pain that I felt in that moment and out first I didn’t understand it. She loved me and she was mad at me for leaving her but… she sounded thankful that I had? I didn’t get it.

I couldn’t speak. I just stood their dumbfounded. Had she just… dumped me? We weren’t dating, but that’s what it felt like. I guess in a way, I had always expected her to be there for me if I ever came back. I mean, we had broken up once and as soon as I came back, we were together again. Not dating, but we spent all of our time together. We might as well have been dating. This time it wasn’t like that though. It was completely different. She wasn’t there and I was. Even as she stood right here in front of me, within arms reach, she felt so very far away and it hurt. It hurt more than anything I had ever felt before in my life. I just stared at her and for once, I was the one who looked and felt crushed.

Our friends made their way through the crowd and came to a stop, looking at the scene before them confused. I couldn’t look at them though, I just knew that they were there. I could imagine the looks they were giving us, the thoughts and questions running through their minds but I didn’t care. I just couldn’t take my eyes off her as she stared up at me. Her eyes piercing into what felt like the very depths of my soul.

“I still love you, Joseph… I really do. It still hurts every day to think about you. I still catch myself crying over you. But it was good that we broke up. That you left me there without a care. It hurt, you have no idea. I cursed you for it for a long time. I even wished you’d come back but you never did. And finally, I stopped caring if you’d come back. I just cared about how I felt and how much it hurt.” she explained seriously. Her eyes never left mine. For the first time since all this started, she looked me in the eye and she didn’t look away. She wasn’t running or hiding from me anymore and I felt trapped. I was locked in her gaze.

“It was good that you left me there and it was even better that you didn’t come back for me because I learned how to live without you. I learned how to pick myself up and I learned who I was. But I still love you. We were meant to be together…” and that sad look returned to her eyes. The fire faded and she looked away again. Somehow I still felt like she had that grasp on me, even though she had looked away.

“I just fell in love at the wrong time… And maybe one day we’ll be meant for each other but… Right now…” she trailed off and looked to me with such sad eyes. Her tears had stopped. Her eyes instead held such pity and I wasn’t sure if it was directed at me or not. “But right now, as we are, we’d never make it.”

I definitely felt like I was being dumped. It felt, regardless of her words, like I had just lost her forever. How had I managed to have her and lose her so effortlessly like this? I wanted to kick myself for being so ignorant. To think that she would always be there when or if I came back. How could I have been such a fool to think she might never move on, to think she would never change and always be there waiting for me? How thick could I get? I blame only myself because after all, who else could I blame?

She turned away from me again and I knew she was about to leave.

“Laine…” I called her name and it sounded so longing. It sounded of something that I hadn’t even realized I had felt. I longed for her. I longed to have her back in my arms, for her to be mine, to have her by my side, to see her smile. I longed for all the things she did and was. I loved her and I had lost her.

“I… I love you…” I stuttered nervously. Now I was the one trembling. What was wrong with me? I was the one afraid. Somewhere along this little scuffle, we had switched places.

She looked back at me and smiled so softly. It would have been beautiful if she hadn’t looked so sad. “…I know.” she replied softly before turning her back to me once again. This time there was nothing I could say to stop her. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t even reach out to her. She already felt so far away and soon, she was walking away. All I could do was stand there watching as she left.

Our friends walked over, Julia with them. She was who I had left Laine for. She was who I was supposed to be with now. She was who I claimed to be so in love with but right now, I didn’t even care that she there. I’d rather Laine be here than her. I guess that desire wasn’t good enough though because Laine didn’t come back.

No one could imagine what I went through after that. I couldn’t have even imagined it at that time. I didn’t see her again after that. We lived separate lives because we were two separate people. Her memory lasted forever in my mind though and no matter what I did, that longing for her lasted. She knew a side of me, a part of me, that no one else ever would. I still loved her.